To My Dear Friend-
How was your day today? As you are a mom, I'm pretty sure it was crazy in some way. Your children are so cute and fun and full of life. I remember when I had three kids and my hands felt really full and my brain felt really fried. Those little people have a way of eating up your everything.
I remember sinking to my knees in my toy strewn bedroom and saying "Heavenly Father, I'm really tired and maxed out. I want to have as many kids as You would have me care for, but can I have a break?" My parents had eight children and I knew the blessing of family. My extended family on my mother's side were so close and made me want that experience for my children. It is a commandment given by God and though my church teaches that the number of children a couple chooses to have is between them and God it has been made very clear that having children is essential and should not be put off or limited for selfish reasons. I was not thinking that me not having any more children just then was a matter of selfishness but rather self preservation and I was so relieved that I felt very calm about taking some time before looking to have more.
We bought an indoor dog and loved her like our baby and four and a half years passed before I had another child. In this time I had a few experiences where I learned more about how this "more kids" thing might play out. I had an experience where I felt strongly that we should adopt. Not a passing "Gee, I've got a spare ten thou and I think pregnancy is the worst idea ever so lets give it a try" kind of experience but a direct and unmistakable kind of experience. We went through conventional adoption processes right up to the time we felt strongly to move to a house with one bedroom. That was not a typo. Three kids sleeping in the living room for three years. There are not words to describe the joy, happiness and sheet volume of this living experience. I knew that we would be ready to move ahead with this new phase of our lives when we had a little more space. During that time I read several books by Sarah Hinze and a blog post by another woman whose name I have now forgotten that really changed the way I looked at adoption before. I had been instructed to learn about spiritual adoption and I thought that meant the spiritual action corresponding to a sealing experience here on Earth.(Sealing a family together in a covenant before God is an ordinance performed in our temple) My attention was finally drawn to an aspect of the commandment to care for the least of these, these whose lives never really began. These whose parents had not kept their agreements, who had because of pain, deception and darkness, not provided them the lives they had promised. Who had through abortion terminated their lives and stolen from them their opportunity to fulfill their mission on the Earth. The picture I had in my mind (it looked remarkably like a Mormon ad, I'm embarrassed to admit) changed from one of the selfless sacrifice of a birth mother ( bless their hearts- every single one of them) and the joy shared by all who love these little people who come from hard situations , perhaps in foster care or suffering from medical conditions or poverty in another country, to one of the desperation and longing for a body, a mother, a home, a family. A picture of ones forgotten in the rush to pursue goals of wealth, education, fun and pleasure. Promises made and broken and not even remembered. There are many women who feel a longing that they can't quite supress for someone missing, for empty arms and they can't explain why. Don't think that there isn't someone on the other side wondering if you will remember promises made, who long to fill those arms and be with you. I felt that I had fullfilled my promises when I had my first three children but when I expressed a willingness to have more I learned a whole new perspective. With each subsequent child my husband and I have had the opportunity to make a new agreement before the experience of pregnancy ever began. We felt prompted to take a foster parenting training but never did get to the last class addressing attachment. I prayed to recieve help in completing the training but was told that we had done all we needed to. As years have passed I've recognized patterns and symptoms of emotional trauma more often found in adopted children. I've found help and comfort in remembering the training and my parenting has imroved as I've recognized I am dealing with emotional/spiritual beings who have reasons to distrust and doubt the sincerety and safety of others. I've been reminded again and again of the wise words of Inigo Montoya, when he states that "I don't think it means what you think it means." For some weird reasons I can always remember "Princess Bride" better than Scripture references, what can I say. I hope I can still go to Heaven. I have prayed in the past for eyes to see the forgotten, alone and poor. I had a deep desire to love those the Savior commanded us to care for. I looked around for those whom I could serve and I have found an opportunity here and there to make a dinner, to tend someone's children or to smile and compliment someone having a hard day but it wasn't until I asked that I saw those who have no voice. Those who wait for arms to welcome them to this world of experience. Those whose hope has been lost when they were rejected, feeling unloved, unworthy.
So I can't tell you my dear friend, nor should I, how many children to have. That is between you and God. I can't tell you what your physical, mental or spiritual capacity is, how much you can or even should handle. I can't even explain to you how I have managed to do a good job with six children because I don't feel that I have. I can only tell you that my life has been blessed more than I can explain. My life has been changed in ways that I haven't expected and some ways that I don't really even understand. I am still tired, I frequently feel fried after a week of lousy sleep with children who have been sick and I still wonder about my mental capacity (daily, if you were wondering) but I would do it again in a heartbeat. For the least of these have shown me the face of God.
With much love,
Jessie
I recognize that there are many wonderful women who can't bear children, who would if they could. I see many women who are doing an amazing job of mothering a few children and I am not shaming anybody at all, ever. I am sharing my experience and really cannot begin to tell anyone the "right" way to mother, the right number to mother, the right age to mother or that they should have twenty children. Most days I would throw a grand piano at anyone who would dare suggest that I could handle even one more and I felt this exact same way when I had one...and two...and three....you get the picture. I have once or twice contemplated asking God to stand a little closer so I could get Him in range so I could launch any musical instrument close to hand but by the end of the conversation the love I felt was enough to get me into compassion -peace-love and violins are expensive mindframe and I felt confident that it would really be okay. Which is how I came to have six kids. Ask and ye shall recieve.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Thursday, May 26, 2016
I have often wondered....a lot of things, really, but this one thing has come to the front again and again. How does God expect any person to become a parent and be any good at it. How He knows they will become parents is pretty well established and it seems to be working great for a good portion of my friends and family. There are definitely some who are now or have in the past struggled with infertility- and my heart goes out to them. I definitely have no idea how that feels. At all.
But the part where they (parents) are any good at it is the part that has me shaking my head in wonder.
First of all, there really is no training available that really does parenthood justice. It helps if you are an older child in a larger family or a younger child of a larger family and prolific siblings who provide material for study but in the end it turns out that all you really walk away with is a little more realistic expectations of how much baby poop stinks and how many dishes a big family can make in a short period of time. Because, really, have you noticed that children sleep really well through babies crying, they aren't bothered (much) by noise if that is what they are used to - and they don't worry about all their siblings growing up and going to jail. Or if they do, it's a fleeting and perhaps at times even a hopeful one if regarding an older brother they deem a menace to society that should be locked up to preserve their Barbie's lives.....or heads....or whatever you call what Barbies' have.
I became a parent at a young age and I'm grateful that I learned to spell early on in life because that's really the only thing that has felt orderly in my life since. There are few times that I remember peaceful silence in my house in the past seventeen years with the exceptions of those times that all the kids went with Dad to feed cows or everyone was napping at the same time and that creates a magical equation for the unique parenting style I like to call "Interrupted Parenting".
This is a method were the mother spends a lot of time trying to recall the page number she is on in the child rearing book she is trying to read while nursing and re-reading parts that she finally recognizes after a few paragraphs and skips ahead hoping to guess close since the bookmark was knocked out of the book when it was bumped off the arm of the chair she uses for feedings. Because once you get that baby latched on you aren't going to go looking for it, Heaven knows.
She soon advances to cooking, cleaning and paying bills punctuated with baby crying for attention in the background of every call which confuses the heck out of those stupid automated machines who love to repeat "I'm sorry, I couldn't understand that. Please try again." There would be silence for a moment and emboldened, Mommy starts again,,,,just as baby drops the favorite toy and begins wailing. Nevermind the wait of twenty minutes, at this point Mommy would kill for a live person to talk to who can guess what you're saying in the moments of silence.
Being interrupted is difficult so she becomes an expert at waiting until baby is sleeping to do anything possible and after bedtime she catches up on anything she missed and decides that she didn't really need sleep anyway.
If she's blessed she might have several more children close enough together to make certain that one child will interrupt the other child who is having their story read while Mommy is nursing and she is off the hook of ever having to finish that book about how to get babies to eat, sleep and poop in some sort of intelligent fashion that allows for uninterrupted showers or whatever but she doesn't really care that much anymore because she doesn't really know what showering alone is like anymore anyway. She has learned that at least if baby is buckled into their car seat in the bathroom and is sleeping when the shower begins, at least you know if there is crying it isn't because Daddy forgot to watch out for the fast two year old and he isn't smothering the baby with too many kisses or a blanket or anything and she can relax through the crying as she showers as fast as humanly possible. Though she sometimes wonders if showering is really necessary- there are tribes that don't, and they don't do much laundry either.......hhhmmm.
She advances over time to the the stage where she doesn't really notice the frequent punctions of "Mom! Mom!" as much anymore as she ties the shoes and buttons the pants as she cleans while on the phone and dispenses drinks with almost telepathic ability, only rarely giving the cup to the wrong child or kissing the boo-boo on the wrong elbow. But she can't seem to remember very many things for very long.....is it the fact she hasn't had a full and uninterrupted night's sleep in almost twenty years? Or maybe that she hasn't had a thought process without interruption in almost that long? When her spouse takes her out for a rare evening away and she either sits in silence and can't think of anything to say that doesn't involve the children or she can't stop talking because no one has listened to her all day it may seem strange to someone who speaks to one person at a time in an organized fashion- maybe even with a secretary to run interference and prevent interruptions. It may seem odd to someone who hasn't ever had a group of children sit and stare at them as they are trying desperately to zone out enough to hear themselves think taking bets about what's wrong with her until a little impatient one takes her face in between both hands and yells "Mom! I want an orange!"
Several days ago I was trying to print four pages of financial statements off the internet with my phone. The phone was not defective, the printer was not defective or even out of paper. It took me an hour. I called a teenage boy down from upstairs, out of the bathroom and in from outside at least four times to finish his chore of sweeping the floor, dialed a number for another so he could call a friend, helped another child with four math problems because it couldn't wait- you know, URGENT math- and helped a toddler down off the sofa so he wouldn't jump on his sibling who was sitting smashed up next to me watching me push "Print". I also answered several questions from other children and called someone to get the toddler a drink. And change his stinky diaper for me. No I didn't pay them any money or favors, I reminded them they get groceries and clothes and don't pay rent. It was discussed but I held firm. My husband called me a little later and asked if I were finished printing them off and when I told him I had just barely got them, he wondered aloud (silly man)" What were you doing that took so long?" I am considering going on vacation alone - perhaps to take part in a sleep study, where I could get paid to sleep without interuptions and leaving him home with the kids to find out what I was doing. They say women need more sleep because they use so much of their brain in so many areas at the same time. I wish it were possible but more sleep has yet to materialize. My parenting plans have been quite impressive in the past, the times that I remember what they are and they usually last just long enough to create hope in my bosom before they get interrupted by chicken pox, winter, morning sickness, accidents, emotional upheaval, travel or death. So I conclude that God intended for parents to love their kids and mess them up all at the same time. If that weren't the plan He would have made sleep a part of the equation. Or maybe the solution is hiding in one of those books stashed so carefully under a chair somewhere. I hope it's not any further back in the book than chapter one........
* Completely random sidenote- I was only interrupted ten times while typing this ....in the first ten minutes that is. My toddler is jumping off his bed and landing on the floor which happens to be right above my head. Over and over. This doesn't count as an interruption. I don't have to do anything about it unless I adhere to a system of child training. I seem to have lost the book that explains that one.
But the part where they (parents) are any good at it is the part that has me shaking my head in wonder.
First of all, there really is no training available that really does parenthood justice. It helps if you are an older child in a larger family or a younger child of a larger family and prolific siblings who provide material for study but in the end it turns out that all you really walk away with is a little more realistic expectations of how much baby poop stinks and how many dishes a big family can make in a short period of time. Because, really, have you noticed that children sleep really well through babies crying, they aren't bothered (much) by noise if that is what they are used to - and they don't worry about all their siblings growing up and going to jail. Or if they do, it's a fleeting and perhaps at times even a hopeful one if regarding an older brother they deem a menace to society that should be locked up to preserve their Barbie's lives.....or heads....or whatever you call what Barbies' have.
I became a parent at a young age and I'm grateful that I learned to spell early on in life because that's really the only thing that has felt orderly in my life since. There are few times that I remember peaceful silence in my house in the past seventeen years with the exceptions of those times that all the kids went with Dad to feed cows or everyone was napping at the same time and that creates a magical equation for the unique parenting style I like to call "Interrupted Parenting".
This is a method were the mother spends a lot of time trying to recall the page number she is on in the child rearing book she is trying to read while nursing and re-reading parts that she finally recognizes after a few paragraphs and skips ahead hoping to guess close since the bookmark was knocked out of the book when it was bumped off the arm of the chair she uses for feedings. Because once you get that baby latched on you aren't going to go looking for it, Heaven knows.
She soon advances to cooking, cleaning and paying bills punctuated with baby crying for attention in the background of every call which confuses the heck out of those stupid automated machines who love to repeat "I'm sorry, I couldn't understand that. Please try again." There would be silence for a moment and emboldened, Mommy starts again,,,,just as baby drops the favorite toy and begins wailing. Nevermind the wait of twenty minutes, at this point Mommy would kill for a live person to talk to who can guess what you're saying in the moments of silence.
Being interrupted is difficult so she becomes an expert at waiting until baby is sleeping to do anything possible and after bedtime she catches up on anything she missed and decides that she didn't really need sleep anyway.
If she's blessed she might have several more children close enough together to make certain that one child will interrupt the other child who is having their story read while Mommy is nursing and she is off the hook of ever having to finish that book about how to get babies to eat, sleep and poop in some sort of intelligent fashion that allows for uninterrupted showers or whatever but she doesn't really care that much anymore because she doesn't really know what showering alone is like anymore anyway. She has learned that at least if baby is buckled into their car seat in the bathroom and is sleeping when the shower begins, at least you know if there is crying it isn't because Daddy forgot to watch out for the fast two year old and he isn't smothering the baby with too many kisses or a blanket or anything and she can relax through the crying as she showers as fast as humanly possible. Though she sometimes wonders if showering is really necessary- there are tribes that don't, and they don't do much laundry either.......hhhmmm.
She advances over time to the the stage where she doesn't really notice the frequent punctions of "Mom! Mom!" as much anymore as she ties the shoes and buttons the pants as she cleans while on the phone and dispenses drinks with almost telepathic ability, only rarely giving the cup to the wrong child or kissing the boo-boo on the wrong elbow. But she can't seem to remember very many things for very long.....is it the fact she hasn't had a full and uninterrupted night's sleep in almost twenty years? Or maybe that she hasn't had a thought process without interruption in almost that long? When her spouse takes her out for a rare evening away and she either sits in silence and can't think of anything to say that doesn't involve the children or she can't stop talking because no one has listened to her all day it may seem strange to someone who speaks to one person at a time in an organized fashion- maybe even with a secretary to run interference and prevent interruptions. It may seem odd to someone who hasn't ever had a group of children sit and stare at them as they are trying desperately to zone out enough to hear themselves think taking bets about what's wrong with her until a little impatient one takes her face in between both hands and yells "Mom! I want an orange!"
Several days ago I was trying to print four pages of financial statements off the internet with my phone. The phone was not defective, the printer was not defective or even out of paper. It took me an hour. I called a teenage boy down from upstairs, out of the bathroom and in from outside at least four times to finish his chore of sweeping the floor, dialed a number for another so he could call a friend, helped another child with four math problems because it couldn't wait- you know, URGENT math- and helped a toddler down off the sofa so he wouldn't jump on his sibling who was sitting smashed up next to me watching me push "Print". I also answered several questions from other children and called someone to get the toddler a drink. And change his stinky diaper for me. No I didn't pay them any money or favors, I reminded them they get groceries and clothes and don't pay rent. It was discussed but I held firm. My husband called me a little later and asked if I were finished printing them off and when I told him I had just barely got them, he wondered aloud (silly man)" What were you doing that took so long?" I am considering going on vacation alone - perhaps to take part in a sleep study, where I could get paid to sleep without interuptions and leaving him home with the kids to find out what I was doing. They say women need more sleep because they use so much of their brain in so many areas at the same time. I wish it were possible but more sleep has yet to materialize. My parenting plans have been quite impressive in the past, the times that I remember what they are and they usually last just long enough to create hope in my bosom before they get interrupted by chicken pox, winter, morning sickness, accidents, emotional upheaval, travel or death. So I conclude that God intended for parents to love their kids and mess them up all at the same time. If that weren't the plan He would have made sleep a part of the equation. Or maybe the solution is hiding in one of those books stashed so carefully under a chair somewhere. I hope it's not any further back in the book than chapter one........
* Completely random sidenote- I was only interrupted ten times while typing this ....in the first ten minutes that is. My toddler is jumping off his bed and landing on the floor which happens to be right above my head. Over and over. This doesn't count as an interruption. I don't have to do anything about it unless I adhere to a system of child training. I seem to have lost the book that explains that one.
Monday, May 9, 2016
To Be A Mom
I'm a mom, a very mormon mom. And it's the best and hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not unusual amongst my peers for that sentiment, for there are many wonderful moms in my church. We take being a mom very seriously and devote much time, energy and effort (not to mention lesson time ) in our women's organization focusing on our divine calling as mothers.
But.
I have a confession. This won't be heard by my bishop nor will I likely announce in my women's group. Today in church we celebrated our mothers and their selfless sacrifices and devotion, every word reverential and respectful and the phrase "All I ever wanted was to be a mother." was said a number of times. But not by me.
"Being a mother wasnt all I ever wanted"
There, I said it. I love babies and before I ever wore a bra I liked children and thought people who didn't like children were crazy. I come from a quasi large family- 6- and there were a number of families of that size in my town and there were at least three I can think of with twice that many.
I always wanted to have children, but that wasn't the only thing I wanted. I wanted to travel and see many parts of the fascinating world we live in. I wanted to learn how to sword fight, play the accordian and speak other languages. I wanted to read, write, paint, sew, design homes and ride horses.
Sometimes I even wondered if I wanted to bear children. Maybe adoption was the way to go- a physiology class was enough to convince me that perhaps squeezing a baby out of the tiny orifice in my nether regions was likely the worst idea I had ever heard- long before I realized that our human bodies are amazing and wonnderful and that there are indeed many ideas that are far worse!! (drugs, breast augmentation and the piercing of certain body parts were not on my radar yet!)
I knew some of my limitations with regard to patience, kindness and attention span and that created in me a curiosity to know if I were even capable of not misplacing any possible offspring, though I wasn't overly concerned since I wasn't exactly sure how any of the ladies I knew did it either and their kids seemed safe enough. I kinda figured guardian angels had some important role here- (they do!)
I then entered High School. A place where my observations of the opposite sex clarified my doubts that I would ever want to live in the same house with one of those masculine nutjobs if I didn't have to (with my elder brother, I most definitely had to, and it was an experience I both enjoyed and abhorred depending on the day and knew I didn't have the intense desire to replicate for life).
I liked a number of those masculine nutjobs and enjoyed their company quite a lot but a close look at their habits and hobbies and understanding of their interest (or lack thereof) in being helpful with small children, clarified in my mind that marrying, much less reproducing with one of these beings would be a headache, perhaps the biggest headache imaginable.
I wasn't wrong. I wasn't right either but I can tell you that the choice to marry a masculine nutjob was not as hard as I thought.
So how does a girl who liked kids and loved babies and had a great many other plans for her life (at least preceeding a family) get married at age seventeen and have six children?
I met a guy that neither liked sports nor had any interest in a large family. He said two - I said eight, just to bring a little balance to the perspective. I was kidding. He was the cleanest person I ever met and a good cook. He said not much and didn't commit to something unless he really meant it and he didn't hesitate to speak his mind. I knew marriage would be a headache ( I watched Princess Bride, I knew full well that "life is pain").My parents are wonderful people who have loved and served their whole lives, giving their best for their family and I watched them closely as children do and realized that being married was going to be inconvenient, expensive, annoying and try the patience of a saint. I knew I wasn't a saint.
But I also knew that there was something in that man that I met, something that made me feel alive, something that to me felt like coming home. He had something that awakened in me a memory I hadn't even made yet and I trusted my intuition long enough to get to know him. For to really know someone is to love them- and I wanted to know him. I sought the Lord in prayer and made the best and hardest decision of my life and married at seventeen. Not because I didn't have any other options or plans, not because I was afraid to go out and find life and live it to the fullest. I married because I couldn't betray my heart and live with that regret.
And it was and is an experience that I wouldn't change. We as a couple sought the direction of God as to when to have a family. The details of those conversations are none of anyone's business but ours. Not that people didn't offer their own brand of busy-body business minding but the timing and number of my children was God's timing and the results of our obedience as a couple. Certainly not based in an over-inflated belief as to our ability as parents, our confidence as to patience and our possession of it, nor our impressive pocketbooks. The doubts in my head by far out matched those of skeptical family members. But if my mother had her doubts, she never spoke them to me, for which I am grateful. My mother has stood by me and helped me kindly and gently meet the challenges of childbirth, sickness and skepticism without ever discouraging me or critisizing my best efforts
.
I have learned that I need to climb that mountain, buy that accordian, take a break, even take a vacation to be me, not only a mom but a person who has hopes and dreams and lives them. So that my children see that I am happy to be a mom, a wife, a musician, a world traveler and a writer, even. Sometimes. So that my kids see that sometimes I don't feel happy and what I choose to do about it.
Because I am more than my ability to produce a baby - though if you want to list having pushed six humans out of a hole that size without medication, in a resume, I think you should get credit for sheer guts, personally! A mother isn't only someone who gives everything for her family- I believe she is someone who knows herself better because of her family, someone who gives herself- her best self- to the life experience that a family lives together. That woman who mothers gives her experiences and love and wisdom and these things come from a life lived. My plans changed but they were exchanged for richer experiences. Sure, there are some things I haven't yet done- small children need their mother's presence and that is the highest priority, but I have lived many of those plans with my children, they see that anything is possible because families support us in our hopes and dreams, mothers too. My kids have watched me make time for things that challenge me, scare me and inspire me. I hope they see that life is not something that you do until you have kids but rather something that goes on no matter what and we find the joy, the lesson and the rewards.....together. Not one of those mothers that said today, "All I ever wanted was to be a mom" meant that they don't have hopes and dreams and talents and fulfilling lives- just that they didn't put something else at the top of their list. They are all amazing women.
All I ever wanted was everything. Everything I need to learn, grow, experience and love.I have traveled (some), I have learned several languages, learned to sew, play accordian....and violin, baritone uke and someday maybe even the bass after I inherit a million....or earn it. Someday I will paint a beautiful painting but for now I am loving painting furniture. I've sewn beautiful gowns and quilted insanely large handpieced works that no longer match the homes I've decorated......because I redecorated - and I've not learned to sword fight. I don't want to anymore. I became a good shot instead. Ha, eat your heart out, Indiana Jones. I've ridden horses and can't get enough time to please me but my kids got the the love and a dad who is horse poor (13 might be enough....maybe) and he teaches them to shoot and sword fight, and someday I'll ride to my heart's content. And I have learned that I do like children- my own much more than anyone else's. I do love babies, and the exhaustion that comes from not sleeping for what feels like years ( ha, because it is!) makes you realize that far from wishing that they would never grow up, you are actually happy to love each stage and let them get to that magic age where they sleep (3,4,5.......in case someone here is hoping to hear the answer to that question, it can also be never but they learn to be up alone without you ). And you look back with joy in remembering those soft and sweet first moments, days, months of that child's life. I've learned that your children will teach you more about yourself than you can imagine- and to know yourself is the greatest gift.
So when you look at a mother you may see a woman doing her best- if you can't see it, look harder.
I didn't only ever want to be a mom, I knew I wanted that but I also needed to learn what else I wanted to be. God has shown me the miracle of His Grace in giving me everything I ever asked for in a better way than I could imagine. It's not "either/or" but simply "And".
But.
I have a confession. This won't be heard by my bishop nor will I likely announce in my women's group. Today in church we celebrated our mothers and their selfless sacrifices and devotion, every word reverential and respectful and the phrase "All I ever wanted was to be a mother." was said a number of times. But not by me.
"Being a mother wasnt all I ever wanted"
There, I said it. I love babies and before I ever wore a bra I liked children and thought people who didn't like children were crazy. I come from a quasi large family- 6- and there were a number of families of that size in my town and there were at least three I can think of with twice that many.
I always wanted to have children, but that wasn't the only thing I wanted. I wanted to travel and see many parts of the fascinating world we live in. I wanted to learn how to sword fight, play the accordian and speak other languages. I wanted to read, write, paint, sew, design homes and ride horses.
Sometimes I even wondered if I wanted to bear children. Maybe adoption was the way to go- a physiology class was enough to convince me that perhaps squeezing a baby out of the tiny orifice in my nether regions was likely the worst idea I had ever heard- long before I realized that our human bodies are amazing and wonnderful and that there are indeed many ideas that are far worse!! (drugs, breast augmentation and the piercing of certain body parts were not on my radar yet!)
I knew some of my limitations with regard to patience, kindness and attention span and that created in me a curiosity to know if I were even capable of not misplacing any possible offspring, though I wasn't overly concerned since I wasn't exactly sure how any of the ladies I knew did it either and their kids seemed safe enough. I kinda figured guardian angels had some important role here- (they do!)
I then entered High School. A place where my observations of the opposite sex clarified my doubts that I would ever want to live in the same house with one of those masculine nutjobs if I didn't have to (with my elder brother, I most definitely had to, and it was an experience I both enjoyed and abhorred depending on the day and knew I didn't have the intense desire to replicate for life).
I liked a number of those masculine nutjobs and enjoyed their company quite a lot but a close look at their habits and hobbies and understanding of their interest (or lack thereof) in being helpful with small children, clarified in my mind that marrying, much less reproducing with one of these beings would be a headache, perhaps the biggest headache imaginable.
I wasn't wrong. I wasn't right either but I can tell you that the choice to marry a masculine nutjob was not as hard as I thought.
So how does a girl who liked kids and loved babies and had a great many other plans for her life (at least preceeding a family) get married at age seventeen and have six children?
I met a guy that neither liked sports nor had any interest in a large family. He said two - I said eight, just to bring a little balance to the perspective. I was kidding. He was the cleanest person I ever met and a good cook. He said not much and didn't commit to something unless he really meant it and he didn't hesitate to speak his mind. I knew marriage would be a headache ( I watched Princess Bride, I knew full well that "life is pain").My parents are wonderful people who have loved and served their whole lives, giving their best for their family and I watched them closely as children do and realized that being married was going to be inconvenient, expensive, annoying and try the patience of a saint. I knew I wasn't a saint.
But I also knew that there was something in that man that I met, something that made me feel alive, something that to me felt like coming home. He had something that awakened in me a memory I hadn't even made yet and I trusted my intuition long enough to get to know him. For to really know someone is to love them- and I wanted to know him. I sought the Lord in prayer and made the best and hardest decision of my life and married at seventeen. Not because I didn't have any other options or plans, not because I was afraid to go out and find life and live it to the fullest. I married because I couldn't betray my heart and live with that regret.
And it was and is an experience that I wouldn't change. We as a couple sought the direction of God as to when to have a family. The details of those conversations are none of anyone's business but ours. Not that people didn't offer their own brand of busy-body business minding but the timing and number of my children was God's timing and the results of our obedience as a couple. Certainly not based in an over-inflated belief as to our ability as parents, our confidence as to patience and our possession of it, nor our impressive pocketbooks. The doubts in my head by far out matched those of skeptical family members. But if my mother had her doubts, she never spoke them to me, for which I am grateful. My mother has stood by me and helped me kindly and gently meet the challenges of childbirth, sickness and skepticism without ever discouraging me or critisizing my best efforts
.
I have learned that I need to climb that mountain, buy that accordian, take a break, even take a vacation to be me, not only a mom but a person who has hopes and dreams and lives them. So that my children see that I am happy to be a mom, a wife, a musician, a world traveler and a writer, even. Sometimes. So that my kids see that sometimes I don't feel happy and what I choose to do about it.
Because I am more than my ability to produce a baby - though if you want to list having pushed six humans out of a hole that size without medication, in a resume, I think you should get credit for sheer guts, personally! A mother isn't only someone who gives everything for her family- I believe she is someone who knows herself better because of her family, someone who gives herself- her best self- to the life experience that a family lives together. That woman who mothers gives her experiences and love and wisdom and these things come from a life lived. My plans changed but they were exchanged for richer experiences. Sure, there are some things I haven't yet done- small children need their mother's presence and that is the highest priority, but I have lived many of those plans with my children, they see that anything is possible because families support us in our hopes and dreams, mothers too. My kids have watched me make time for things that challenge me, scare me and inspire me. I hope they see that life is not something that you do until you have kids but rather something that goes on no matter what and we find the joy, the lesson and the rewards.....together. Not one of those mothers that said today, "All I ever wanted was to be a mom" meant that they don't have hopes and dreams and talents and fulfilling lives- just that they didn't put something else at the top of their list. They are all amazing women.
All I ever wanted was everything. Everything I need to learn, grow, experience and love.I have traveled (some), I have learned several languages, learned to sew, play accordian....and violin, baritone uke and someday maybe even the bass after I inherit a million....or earn it. Someday I will paint a beautiful painting but for now I am loving painting furniture. I've sewn beautiful gowns and quilted insanely large handpieced works that no longer match the homes I've decorated......because I redecorated - and I've not learned to sword fight. I don't want to anymore. I became a good shot instead. Ha, eat your heart out, Indiana Jones. I've ridden horses and can't get enough time to please me but my kids got the the love and a dad who is horse poor (13 might be enough....maybe) and he teaches them to shoot and sword fight, and someday I'll ride to my heart's content. And I have learned that I do like children- my own much more than anyone else's. I do love babies, and the exhaustion that comes from not sleeping for what feels like years ( ha, because it is!) makes you realize that far from wishing that they would never grow up, you are actually happy to love each stage and let them get to that magic age where they sleep (3,4,5.......in case someone here is hoping to hear the answer to that question, it can also be never but they learn to be up alone without you ). And you look back with joy in remembering those soft and sweet first moments, days, months of that child's life. I've learned that your children will teach you more about yourself than you can imagine- and to know yourself is the greatest gift.
So when you look at a mother you may see a woman doing her best- if you can't see it, look harder.
I didn't only ever want to be a mom, I knew I wanted that but I also needed to learn what else I wanted to be. God has shown me the miracle of His Grace in giving me everything I ever asked for in a better way than I could imagine. It's not "either/or" but simply "And".
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
I Am Feeling Good Today
I've been doing a silly thing. Oh, stop it. I know you all know I do silly things- that's not really new is it? But here's the thing.
I have realized I'm doing it and it feels so great to stop.
I have always had this idea that somehow it was my job.
Thought that if I did my job well that it would make other people happier.
Thought that if I didn't, that somehow people would think I didn't love them.
Sadly, I am not talking about serving lunch every day. Since that really is my job and people really do feel happier with a full tummy and if they are going hungry they really do think I don't love them. No, this is something different.
I stopped taking responsibility for their decisions. Those fabulous people around me are not my job and I am not responsible for their decisions. I can bless them through guidance if they are my child, counsel if they happen to be my husband, love and accept them if they are friends and family but I can let go of my "expectations" of them. If my kids dress funny and do childish things in social settings I will remember " Though others will judge me by my children, I love them and they are not me- they are fabulous all by themselves". Because I think we can all admit that we sometimes listen to those shadow voices that throw out judgement onto others. Or maybe that's just me. But regardless, I can and do need to let go and let God. Let God show His love for my friends and family through me. Let God worry about if other people say and do mean things. Let God put His hand on my heart and remind me that it is my job to serve Him and turn over outcomes to Him. Let God work in His way with all these wonderful and fabulous totally imperfect beings that He created to glorify Him. I don't know what other people's lessons they have to learn and what path it will take to learn them. I am not responsible for the happiness or sadness of others. I can make it easier or harder for them to be around me, surely. But I can't be awesome enough to make them happy nor dreadful enough to make them be sad against their will. I don't want the burden of knowing that I have hurt someone and certainly will strive to show my love for them. But if they don't receive I can find my own happiness and joy. I am blessed to know all of you and see the ways that you are great. I am free to love you because it's not for me to decide if your choices are good or bad, safe or scary. Those things are yours and God's. I don't have to worry about how my choices affect you, either. It's God's job to love, guide and teach you, Christ's job to save you and lead you back to Heaven and the job of the weathermen and economists to be wrong, my job to speak when directed by the Spirit, give when my heart tells me it's right, smile when I'm happy to see you, dance and sing when my Spirit is happy and sleep when I'm tired.....which I am. <3 Goodnight.
I have realized I'm doing it and it feels so great to stop.
I have always had this idea that somehow it was my job.
Thought that if I did my job well that it would make other people happier.
Thought that if I didn't, that somehow people would think I didn't love them.
Sadly, I am not talking about serving lunch every day. Since that really is my job and people really do feel happier with a full tummy and if they are going hungry they really do think I don't love them. No, this is something different.
I stopped taking responsibility for their decisions. Those fabulous people around me are not my job and I am not responsible for their decisions. I can bless them through guidance if they are my child, counsel if they happen to be my husband, love and accept them if they are friends and family but I can let go of my "expectations" of them. If my kids dress funny and do childish things in social settings I will remember " Though others will judge me by my children, I love them and they are not me- they are fabulous all by themselves". Because I think we can all admit that we sometimes listen to those shadow voices that throw out judgement onto others. Or maybe that's just me. But regardless, I can and do need to let go and let God. Let God show His love for my friends and family through me. Let God worry about if other people say and do mean things. Let God put His hand on my heart and remind me that it is my job to serve Him and turn over outcomes to Him. Let God work in His way with all these wonderful and fabulous totally imperfect beings that He created to glorify Him. I don't know what other people's lessons they have to learn and what path it will take to learn them. I am not responsible for the happiness or sadness of others. I can make it easier or harder for them to be around me, surely. But I can't be awesome enough to make them happy nor dreadful enough to make them be sad against their will. I don't want the burden of knowing that I have hurt someone and certainly will strive to show my love for them. But if they don't receive I can find my own happiness and joy. I am blessed to know all of you and see the ways that you are great. I am free to love you because it's not for me to decide if your choices are good or bad, safe or scary. Those things are yours and God's. I don't have to worry about how my choices affect you, either. It's God's job to love, guide and teach you, Christ's job to save you and lead you back to Heaven and the job of the weathermen and economists to be wrong, my job to speak when directed by the Spirit, give when my heart tells me it's right, smile when I'm happy to see you, dance and sing when my Spirit is happy and sleep when I'm tired.....which I am. <3 Goodnight.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Blame, shame......lame....
So let's say that once upon a time there was a Mom. Naturally, this is a hypothetical mom. This mom has kids- hence the "mom" title and she loves these little nuts like nothing else. She worries that they will grow up to be happy, healthy, well-adjusted big nuts who love their mom and visit her many weekends and bring her flowers on Mother's Day and get misty-eyed when certain songs play on the radio. Pretty basic Mom-type dreams, right?
So let's say that she lives in the greatest country on Earth....aka The United States. Flag waving and barbeques included. She wants to keep up and do good things and so she begins the laborious task of figuring out how to do this mom thing the "Right" way.
She looks at how her country is doing with regards to infant mortality rate. Ew, 27th is not the success story that one would expect of our wonderful progressive society but she didn't lose heart.
She looked at our cancer rates and suicide and depression rates among children and she looked at mental health, obesity and education. She looked at what Americans feed their children and what things they gave them for gifts and how much time they spent on electronics. She looked at accident rates in children and allergies and everything she could think of and she decided that while there were many people in this old world that knew more about parenting than she , there were none who loved her kids as much and she decided to do things differently.
She looked at countries that looked like they were successful with their health and well being. She looked at countries where their children don't suffer from diabetes, obesity and cell phones. She looked at countries with lower rates of infant death, suicides and she looked at how they ate, slept, walked, talked and breathed and she determined to change from the habits of those around her and instead be mindful of the state of the food her family consumed and the chemicals they were exposed to. And she decided that if you want different results from those you've always recieved you may have to try methods you've never tried before. And she did. She also noticed that if a parent feels threatened they will lash out at anyone who does things differently than they. As if you had to prove that your way is the one true way and none other can have joy and happiness if followed. And there was name calling and bashing on internet social sites. And she felt peaceful and good about the clothes her family wore and the food they eat and the places they go and the places they don't. She felt good about things her family listen to and what substances they put in their teeth and who was allowed to have a say in their family decisions. And sometimes she even said something when neighbors thought they should have input about what decisions she as a mom made. And this mom started to wonder why it was that she felt so good and safe at home but that the public square was a stressful place to stand. So she stood in her home and she sheilded herself when she went out and her mantra became "I have the right to be the best mom I can for my kids- and so do all of you."
Sometimes this mom would forget but a thoughtless comment would always remind her that judgement is God's and love is ours.
She wanted to stand in the street and yell "Go be the best awesome Moms you ever have been, the best you ever can be!!!"
And then she took a nap- because I'm writing this story and I choose to give the mom a break.
Can we do the same for every mom?
So let's say that she lives in the greatest country on Earth....aka The United States. Flag waving and barbeques included. She wants to keep up and do good things and so she begins the laborious task of figuring out how to do this mom thing the "Right" way.
She looks at how her country is doing with regards to infant mortality rate. Ew, 27th is not the success story that one would expect of our wonderful progressive society but she didn't lose heart.
She looked at our cancer rates and suicide and depression rates among children and she looked at mental health, obesity and education. She looked at what Americans feed their children and what things they gave them for gifts and how much time they spent on electronics. She looked at accident rates in children and allergies and everything she could think of and she decided that while there were many people in this old world that knew more about parenting than she , there were none who loved her kids as much and she decided to do things differently.
She looked at countries that looked like they were successful with their health and well being. She looked at countries where their children don't suffer from diabetes, obesity and cell phones. She looked at countries with lower rates of infant death, suicides and she looked at how they ate, slept, walked, talked and breathed and she determined to change from the habits of those around her and instead be mindful of the state of the food her family consumed and the chemicals they were exposed to. And she decided that if you want different results from those you've always recieved you may have to try methods you've never tried before. And she did. She also noticed that if a parent feels threatened they will lash out at anyone who does things differently than they. As if you had to prove that your way is the one true way and none other can have joy and happiness if followed. And there was name calling and bashing on internet social sites. And she felt peaceful and good about the clothes her family wore and the food they eat and the places they go and the places they don't. She felt good about things her family listen to and what substances they put in their teeth and who was allowed to have a say in their family decisions. And sometimes she even said something when neighbors thought they should have input about what decisions she as a mom made. And this mom started to wonder why it was that she felt so good and safe at home but that the public square was a stressful place to stand. So she stood in her home and she sheilded herself when she went out and her mantra became "I have the right to be the best mom I can for my kids- and so do all of you."
Sometimes this mom would forget but a thoughtless comment would always remind her that judgement is God's and love is ours.
She wanted to stand in the street and yell "Go be the best awesome Moms you ever have been, the best you ever can be!!!"
And then she took a nap- because I'm writing this story and I choose to give the mom a break.
Can we do the same for every mom?
Monday, January 19, 2015
.........The Middle Of No-Where.
`I was raised in a small rural town and never got the memo that your life will not be complete without the necessary experience of living with neighbors sufficient to fill a sports arena and traffic sufficient to make you stop at "Yield" signs. So I never tried it. But we can't have life be TOO predictable so I occasionally traded one small "town" for another. And people say ".......You live where? Oh! That's the middle of no-where!"
Have you ever noticed how there are the same sets of fabulous and crazy people everywhere you go?
I actually like the middle of no-where. I've had at least 13 years practice at it. I still choose it.
We've lived in a number of lovely places all outside the city limits with only one exception. (Only 1 next door neighbor on the last street in town with a gorgeous view of the mountains!)
There are a few things that people don't seem to understand about "The Middle Of No-Where-ness".
- Conscientious Earth-dwellers give me dirty looks for driving the old and cheap version of an SUV. I really do need 8 seats and 4-wheel drive. Promise.
- The UPS man is my best friend- next to Amazon Prime. :) I don't know his name but he sure knows a lot about me..
-The road from our house to your house is much shorter than your house to mine. Weird but true. "We really don't come to visit you because it's so far. Why don't you come see us more often??"
-Everyone thinks that all you do is sit around and enjoy the peace and quiet and clucking of chickens. I do love me some good peace, quiet and clucking...............okay, now I'll have to ask you to excuse me - I'm going to go feed the chickens, and pigs, and horses, , and dog and get the four-wheeler out of the mud. I understand that all some folks do is go to the theatre and shopping and .......you see what I mean.
- The nice ladies at the dentist's office wonder why you look like you've been run over by a truck when you show up for your appointment at nine in the morning with all the kids in tow. "Why does she do all of them in one day and she didn't seem too happy about her appointment time......" I should have picked a dentist closer than 2 hours away.
- Everything that starts right after dinner or lunch for anyone planning the event can expect my kids to be crabby- they weren't hungry when I fed them early to make it to your thing and now they're starving. And when we leave early, it's to go to the grocery store (to buy them some bananas so they won't eat all your cookies) before it closes because I'm too cheap to drive that much without getting groceries and gas.......and anything you can't order on Amazon Prime. :)
- Girls don't baby sit for you. At all. If they're old enough to drive they're too busy. And everyone loves that one lady that takes her kids everywhere with her. Believe me, I can tell from their looks.
- When you call two hours before youth activities start to let us know that they have been canceled that day- we've gone in time to go get groceries first and we'll show up anyway. Again.
- We love it when every kid's church group meets on a different day so we can spend an hour in the car for every hour long activity. Sometimes I give them a dollar to stay home. Maybe I'll just send them out to ride their bikes to Scouts....
.....and there's the things I love about it.
- My kids are each other's best friends.
- The stars are gorgeous and the sky is immense as I sit in the house trying to get kids to sleep just like all you other moms, but sometimes when I realize that someone left the car door open or I forgot my purse in the car or someone forgot to let the horses out of the corral I get to walk out and look at them!
-I have lots of space and lots of dirt and lots of horizon to enjoy.
-Phones.
-Costco is only two hours away....right by my dentist. I just wish that 8 seat /4 wheel Drive Earth Crusher had more cargo room - once a month shopping gets intense.
- CNG is cheap.
-When I make my kids do chores there are no nosy neighbors who think I'm worse than anything they've ever heard of.
-When I'm potty training the little boy and he pees in the front yard I know I'm not going to hear about it from the neighborhood.
- When I talk to my good friends who also have the same wide open spaces around them we can cherish our friendships even more knowing that it takes time and sacrifice to get together but it's oh, so worth it. And knowing how needed friends are helps us be less critical.
And to all of you who have a sea of wide open city surrounding you and almost the same life challenges as me- or a small town full of neighbors that think they know all your business and almost the same life challenges as me- What do you love about it?
Have you ever noticed how there are the same sets of fabulous and crazy people everywhere you go?
I actually like the middle of no-where. I've had at least 13 years practice at it. I still choose it.
We've lived in a number of lovely places all outside the city limits with only one exception. (Only 1 next door neighbor on the last street in town with a gorgeous view of the mountains!)
There are a few things that people don't seem to understand about "The Middle Of No-Where-ness".
- Conscientious Earth-dwellers give me dirty looks for driving the old and cheap version of an SUV. I really do need 8 seats and 4-wheel drive. Promise.
- The UPS man is my best friend- next to Amazon Prime. :) I don't know his name but he sure knows a lot about me..
-The road from our house to your house is much shorter than your house to mine. Weird but true. "We really don't come to visit you because it's so far. Why don't you come see us more often??"
-Everyone thinks that all you do is sit around and enjoy the peace and quiet and clucking of chickens. I do love me some good peace, quiet and clucking...............okay, now I'll have to ask you to excuse me - I'm going to go feed the chickens, and pigs, and horses, , and dog and get the four-wheeler out of the mud. I understand that all some folks do is go to the theatre and shopping and .......you see what I mean.
- The nice ladies at the dentist's office wonder why you look like you've been run over by a truck when you show up for your appointment at nine in the morning with all the kids in tow. "Why does she do all of them in one day and she didn't seem too happy about her appointment time......" I should have picked a dentist closer than 2 hours away.
- Everything that starts right after dinner or lunch for anyone planning the event can expect my kids to be crabby- they weren't hungry when I fed them early to make it to your thing and now they're starving. And when we leave early, it's to go to the grocery store (to buy them some bananas so they won't eat all your cookies) before it closes because I'm too cheap to drive that much without getting groceries and gas.......and anything you can't order on Amazon Prime. :)
- Girls don't baby sit for you. At all. If they're old enough to drive they're too busy. And everyone loves that one lady that takes her kids everywhere with her. Believe me, I can tell from their looks.
- When you call two hours before youth activities start to let us know that they have been canceled that day- we've gone in time to go get groceries first and we'll show up anyway. Again.
- We love it when every kid's church group meets on a different day so we can spend an hour in the car for every hour long activity. Sometimes I give them a dollar to stay home. Maybe I'll just send them out to ride their bikes to Scouts....
.....and there's the things I love about it.
- My kids are each other's best friends.
- The stars are gorgeous and the sky is immense as I sit in the house trying to get kids to sleep just like all you other moms, but sometimes when I realize that someone left the car door open or I forgot my purse in the car or someone forgot to let the horses out of the corral I get to walk out and look at them!
-I have lots of space and lots of dirt and lots of horizon to enjoy.
-Phones.
-Costco is only two hours away....right by my dentist. I just wish that 8 seat /4 wheel Drive Earth Crusher had more cargo room - once a month shopping gets intense.
- CNG is cheap.
-When I make my kids do chores there are no nosy neighbors who think I'm worse than anything they've ever heard of.
-When I'm potty training the little boy and he pees in the front yard I know I'm not going to hear about it from the neighborhood.
- When I talk to my good friends who also have the same wide open spaces around them we can cherish our friendships even more knowing that it takes time and sacrifice to get together but it's oh, so worth it. And knowing how needed friends are helps us be less critical.
And to all of you who have a sea of wide open city surrounding you and almost the same life challenges as me- or a small town full of neighbors that think they know all your business and almost the same life challenges as me- What do you love about it?
Monday, January 12, 2015
Since it's almost my birthday- Let's Talk Presents!
God is good. He reminds me all the time.
Like when I asked for a man to marry who could be straight forward and handle directness. I think He may have laughed a little at that one. :)
One time I read an article about fitness - don't gasp, I just read it! It didn't say 'running' in the title so I felt safe. ;) It touted the benefits of having two pair of shoes for exercise. I thought about my current walking shoes and thought aloud "That would be nice to have two pair of good white leather walking shoes!" My last pair of cross-trainers that I loved had been $50 on sale and I was feeling my tight-waddery......clutch-fistedist.........cheap self raising it's head. My husband would laugh if I told him I was stressing over spending on new exercise shoes, he would just buy them for me after he talked the sales lady down 25% more. But I went about life as usual and a few weeks later I was going to St George (aka "town " at our house- think John Wayne - "Hitch up the buggy, she wants to go to town!") and had a box of stuff for DI. I asked my husband to drop it off at the Cedar location which he thought strange but when I went into the store to look around ( you have to look around! There might be a match to the brushed stainless lamp you got there two weeks ago!!) and walked straight to the shoe section and they were there waiting for me. Two brand new pair of white leather walking shoes in my size. Thank you!!
He always gives good gifts, He answers my questions, He sends great friends my way and he gives me experiences that change my life. When I was struggling with pregnancy and children He sent me a dream to remind me that I needed to ask more and be specific - especially about what it is I needed and then allow Him to provide in His way and time. Sometimes I wanted something in life to change and He whispered 'patience' to me and I later learned He was putting it all together for me- better than I imagined. A listening ear, a friend, a ride out of Vegas on a crazy weekend, a rainbow or just rain. The right words don't always come out when I open my mouth and I've said some cringe-worthy things in my life, but when I pray for the right words to help a mourning friend and wise things come out, you can know that was surely not me ! In so many ways I'm grateful, for a God who doesn't have unfairness in Him but still makes me feel like I'm His favorite. And so are you! Be specific when you ask and you'll see His hand in all things. Remember that when you give thanks it allows him to bless you more.
Like when I asked for a man to marry who could be straight forward and handle directness. I think He may have laughed a little at that one. :)
One time I read an article about fitness - don't gasp, I just read it! It didn't say 'running' in the title so I felt safe. ;) It touted the benefits of having two pair of shoes for exercise. I thought about my current walking shoes and thought aloud "That would be nice to have two pair of good white leather walking shoes!" My last pair of cross-trainers that I loved had been $50 on sale and I was feeling my tight-waddery......clutch-fistedist.........cheap self raising it's head. My husband would laugh if I told him I was stressing over spending on new exercise shoes, he would just buy them for me after he talked the sales lady down 25% more. But I went about life as usual and a few weeks later I was going to St George (aka "town " at our house- think John Wayne - "Hitch up the buggy, she wants to go to town!") and had a box of stuff for DI. I asked my husband to drop it off at the Cedar location which he thought strange but when I went into the store to look around ( you have to look around! There might be a match to the brushed stainless lamp you got there two weeks ago!!) and walked straight to the shoe section and they were there waiting for me. Two brand new pair of white leather walking shoes in my size. Thank you!!
He always gives good gifts, He answers my questions, He sends great friends my way and he gives me experiences that change my life. When I was struggling with pregnancy and children He sent me a dream to remind me that I needed to ask more and be specific - especially about what it is I needed and then allow Him to provide in His way and time. Sometimes I wanted something in life to change and He whispered 'patience' to me and I later learned He was putting it all together for me- better than I imagined. A listening ear, a friend, a ride out of Vegas on a crazy weekend, a rainbow or just rain. The right words don't always come out when I open my mouth and I've said some cringe-worthy things in my life, but when I pray for the right words to help a mourning friend and wise things come out, you can know that was surely not me ! In so many ways I'm grateful, for a God who doesn't have unfairness in Him but still makes me feel like I'm His favorite. And so are you! Be specific when you ask and you'll see His hand in all things. Remember that when you give thanks it allows him to bless you more.
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